Pride

As his sweat slowly dribbled down his forehead, he gazed into Moh’s eyes. His gaze shifted towards the ball in Moh’s hand. Moh crossed the ball under his left leg and sprinted towards the basket. He tossed the ball but before it could make a goal, Abhi caught the ball and ran to the other side. Moh wrapped his arms around Abhi and stole the ball from his hands. With a grin on his face, he hit the jump shot and made a goal.

“And I won!” Moh shouted in excitement.

Still unaware of what made him freeze when Moh stole the ball, Abhi stood in the middle of the court looking at Moh as the court lights behind him shone.

“The sun is already down. Let us go back to our dorms. I badly need a shower.” said Moh wiping his face with his t-shirt.

Abhi, who still looked like he was lost in some thoughts, suddenly started running towards the dorms.

Noticing him, Moh shouted, “Why are you running Abhi?”

“To cool my body down! The wind feels nice when I run,” replied Abhi as he ran as fast as he could.

“What? That will only make you sweat more when you reach the dorms.” Moh scoffed. A moment later, he muttered, “Whatever!” and started running behind Abhimaan. Laughing and shouting they ran towards the dorms as the sun slowly melted into the darkness.

Abhimaan was an engineering freshman. All his life, he lived with his parents and studied in a local school in Vizag, Andhra Pradesh. Since he was accepted at NIT Surathkal in Karnataka for his bachelor's, he had to move into NIT Surathkal's dorms.

Moh was Abhi’s classmate. He was from Mumbai however, his grandparents were from Andhra Pradesh who moved to Mumbai and settled there a long time ago. Having the same native tongue, their friendship hit off right away. Although they were from different floors, they would go to class together and play basketball in the evening. After playing, they would shower and spend the rest of the evening playing video games or doing assignments in Abhi’s room.

Today was no different. Just like any other day, but Abhi felt rather uneasy. He went to his room and took a blue towel. He made his way along the hallway and turned towards the common bathrooms. Subconsciously, he walked into the bathroom stall where he always showers and closed the door. Hanging the towel on one of the hangers nailed to the bathroom door, he undressed and hung his clothes. He turned back and turned on the shower. Stepping into the stream from the shower head, he ran his fingers through his wet hair. Leaning in, so that the shower water fell on his shoulders, Abhi stared into the blank wall in front of him. Flashes of his past started to run in his mind as he continued staring.

It was Abhi’s first day, he was carrying his luggage while climbing the stairs. Reaching the last stair, he looked at the floor number that read ‘Floor 2’. Completely out of breath, he leaned on a wall and his gaze fell on a boy in the room opposite the stairs. The boy was drinking water from a bottle and ended up spilling the water on his shirt. Unbothered by the fact that more than half of his white t-shirt was wet, the boy lifted the end of his shirt and wiped his wet mouth and neck with it. Amused by his act, Abhi smiled and started climbing the stairs again to reach his room.

It was fresher’s day and all the girls and boys were dancing on the stage to a playlist of Hindi and English songs. After a while, a solo performance was announced and the song “My Love is Gone! My Love is Gone!” started to play. Abhi’s heart pumped up and his spine straightened, he looked at the stage to see who was dancing to a Telugu song. Although the stage looked dull, the moves of a tall boy wearing a black hat and black jacket dancing gaily to every beat of the song made Abhi enjoy every moment of his performance. While the song was almost done, a light beside the stage was suddenly turned on. The dancing boy stylishly moon-walked towards the apron stage from the centre threw his hat and turned towards the crowd. As soon as Abhi saw the boy’s face shining under the spotlight his heart skipped a beat. It was the same person he saw on his first day. It was the same clumsy boy who spilt water on his shirt but was now dancing gracefully. His heart synced with every move, the boy danced gloriously under that bright and beautiful light. Even though his performance ended and the boy left the stage, Abhi’s heart still shook in rhythm.

A week passed, Abhi was sitting in his seat playing Clash of Clans.

“It’s that spotlight guy!” A voice said.

“Spotlight guy?” The boy beside Abhi asked.

“Every year on fresher’s day, seniors will choose a few performances and will turn on the spotlights for them. The one who comes into the spotlight and gives the best performance is announced as the Spotlight Guy or Girl or Group.” The other boy explained.

“Oh! He’s the one that danced for that south song. What was that again?” the boy questioned.

“Something that started with My love is gone...” the other boy confirmed.

As soon as Abhi heard him, his eyes widened and his heart started racing. He scanned the whole class Failing to find him, he turned back to check one last time. There he was, sitting on the last bench, smiling so wide. A loud sound distracted Abhi and he turned to see the professor.

“A new student transferred here from another department. Did he come today?” the professor inquired.

“Yes sir!” a voice from back answered.

“You are...” the professor paused as he skimmed through the list of names in his book.

“Moh sir,” he paused and continued, “Mohan Kumar”

“Found you! If you need any help with the notes or lessons you can ask your classmates.” The professor continued suggesting some other things and started with the lessons but nothing could get inside Abhi’s mind. At the end of the class, he found himself scribbling the letter M on his notes. Realizing what he did made him uneasy, but deep inside he wanted to avoid the thought of why.

One Sunday evening, coming back from the library Abhi saw an empty basketball court. He walked towards the court and found a basketball. He took the ball and tossed it. The ball hit the basket and fell to the ground. Abhi stepped out of the court and dropped his bag on the grass. He turned back and saw the ball rolling towards the centre. He started running towards the ball and crouched to take it. But before he could grasp the ball, a tall figure outran him and took the ball. Abhi looked up and fell on his butt.

“Moh!” Abhi mumbled.

Moh offered his hand and with his help, Abhi climbed to his feet.

“I saw you in class this week. I’m in your class too.” Moh smiled, while he still held his hand.

“Yeah! I know.” Abhi took his hand and smiled sheepishly.

“Want to learn basketball?” Moh asked to which Abhi nodded.

“I’ll teach you basketball. Instead, can you help me with my studies?” Moh urged.

“I might not look so, but I’m kind of dumb.” he ran his fingers through his hair as he smiled.

Abhi smiled back and nodded while a slight red blushed his cheeks.

---

“Abhi?” a familiar voice brought him back to his senses.

“Abhi! Are you here?”

Abhi turned off the shower and replied. “Moh?”

“God! You scared me a bit there! You weren’t responding to me, is everything okay?” Moh asked worriedly.

“Yes, I’m okay. Wait in my room. I’ll be back in five minutes.” Abhi turned the shower on.

“Okay!” Moh replied and walked back to Abhi’s room.

Winding up his shower, he wrapped his towel around and walked back to his room. Moh was sitting on a desk opposite Abhi's bed and Abhi took his clothes from his wardrobe and he suddenly looked abashed.

“Moh?” Abhi called him gently.

Busy with his game on his mobile Moh replied, “Yeah?” distractedly

“Can you...” Abhi began but he changed his mind and got dressed hurriedly.

“What happened?” Moh took his eyes off his mobile screen and eyed him.

Abhi collapsed on his bed and yelled, “I can’t do this anymore!” Abhi covered his face with his hands and continued, “The more and more I try to avoid the reason, the more uneasy and suffocating it gets!” he cried.

Moh quickly stood up and closed the room door. He turned and grabbed a chair to place it near Abhi. Sitting in front of him, Moh asked. “You looked troubled and distracted from the past few days. What are you trying to avoid?”

Abhi mumbled with his hands still covering his face, “It feels so confusing and scary. I don’t know who I am anymore.”

Holding his shoulders Moh requested, “What’s bothering you Abhi? Tell me what’s troubling you?”

Abhi finally uncovered his face. With eyes full of tears and cheeks blushed in red he yelled, “It’s you! You are bothering me. You are troubling me.”

A shocked expression covered Moh’s face as he released Abhi’s shoulders.

“I never felt this way. I’m totally different when you are around me. It’s wrong. The way I feel is wrong.” Abhi whined.

“I... I don’t understand” Moh said, wearing a confused look.

“I don’t understand either. When I saw you for the first time spilling water on your shirt clumsily while drinking, I didn’t understand this strange feeling. When I saw you dancing and the moment I realized it was you, I didn’t understand why I felt a sudden rush inside me. Every time you smile, I get butterflies. Every time you touch me, it feels electrifying. I just can’t get you out of my mind. I get these thoughts I shouldn’t get. I… I wanted to say this to you but I couldn’t. I was so scared you’d think I’m weird or I’m a creep. I know this is wrong. I’m so sorry for feeling this way. I’m so…”

Before Abhi could complete his thought, Moh hugged him.

Illustrated by Nikhila Kotni

“All this time, I never knew. I’m sorry. I should’ve known you were struggling. I’m sorry for being selfish. I was so drowned in concealing my own emotions, that I failed to recognize your suffering. All your feelings Abhi, you are not alone. I feel the same way too.”

Overwhelmed with the emotions that he has been trying to suppress, Abhi bawled. These past days he was scared of this unrequited love he felt for him. All this time, he felt so confused. But now, he felt relieved. Was he relieved because he confessed all his bottled-up emotions or was he relieved to know that Moh felt the same? Although he had many questions at that moment he just wanted to be in Moh’s embrace.

“It’s not wrong Abhi!” Moh continued while he held Abhi’s hands. “We were raised to think that we should love the opposite sex. Most movies and media we watch only show the love between two opposite sexes and same-sex love is often shamed saying that it’s disgusting or wrong. It’s not us who are wrong. It’s them who are!”

Stroking his face lovingly, Moh asked, “Just think about this. Did you intentionally fall for me?” Abhi innocently nodded no.

Moh continued, “Am I embarrassing to hang out with?”

“No!” Abhi squealed.

Moh gently caressed his soft black hair and leaned in as they gazed into each other’s eyes. Moh carefully touched his lips with his fingers. While Abhi closed his eyes, Moh hesitantly leaned and their lips touched. Moh took Abhi’s face into his hand and they exchanged a kiss. Abhi felt as if he was melting away in the tenderness of his lips. Every day, he used to curse himself for fantasizing about this very moment. He blamed his mind for being wrong and sinful, but right now all he wanted was for this moment to last forever.

Drawing himself back from his lips, Moh asked “Did this feel wrong? Did this feel disgusting?”

Touching Moh’s face for the first time, he whispered“It felt warm, it felt right.”

They smiled as they touched each other’s foreheads. Closing his eyes Moh said, “We can’t choose whom we fall in love with, but we can choose to courageously love the person. I regret that I didn’t take that step forward, I wasn’t courageous enough. But not anymore. I love you and I am proud to feel this way.”

“I love you! I loved you all this time. I was just too scared to accept that. Thank you. Thank you for saying everything. I love you.” Teary-eyed, Abhi confessed again and they embraced each other.

It was hard. It was confusing especially being raised in such a society that condemned their love but courage cuts through it to those who stand for what they believe in. However, Abhi not only learned to be brave enough to love but he also learned to take pride in it. As Moh said, we can’t choose whom we fall in love with, but we can choose to take pride in our love for them.

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Credits

This contribution is edited by Manognya Bethapudi & illustrated by Nikhila Kotni.

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Product

This story is available in paperback & ebook.

Longing Hearts

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